Frustration

I'm someone who doesn't like to depend or be indebted to others. So it was really frustruating when something that was out of my control happened and ruined the day for people dear to me. I was helpless and hopeless - the feeling that I hate most. And the most upsetting was that this situation affected others. If it happened to me, I'll try to manage it somehow, but the circumstance was directly inflicted on others. The solution? I prayed. I prayed and tried, prayed and tried..read the bible, prayed and tried, but still the miracle didn't occur.

But I believe in a miracle-generating God. So where is the miracle, I asked. And what do I need to give for a miracle to occur? As I read the bible this morning, I noticed that the reading for the next day was titled "Don't Worry". An extract of the reading is as follows:

It’s easy for us to panic when we face serious concerns...So we pray.

And we get busy.

We start doing everything we can think of to move forward in a positive way.
And we worry.

We know it’s a waste of time.

Yet a lot of us find ourselves in this dilemma—we know we should trust God, but we wonder just what He’s going to do.

That's me, the queen of paranoia. And I can't help but worry cos this situation is going to affect others, not me. And its my fault this happened. If only I did this, if only I did that. If only I really did, the situation could have been avoided. So many "if onlys", but its all too late.

I can only continue to hope for a miracle, and ask God for the faith and hope so that I can trust in Him for a miracle. God, I really need a miracle. What ingredients do I need for the miracle to occur? Honestly, I would rather this situation happened to me than to them. But I must face up to reality and face it the way it is now..hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst. Easier said than done.

I wonder whether it was God speaking to me via the abovementioned Quiet Time reading.

If that is how God clothes the grass of the field,

which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire,

will he not much more clothe you,

O you of little faith?

So do not worry...

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,

and all these things will be given to you as well.

I believe in a miracle-generating God. The One who heals the sick and feeds the thousands. The One who listens to all our prayers. And I want to have the faith and hope to believe that a miracle is in sight. How God will respond, I dunno. But I am really hoping for the miracle. Only God knows how I am feeling now. "Come to Me...you who are weary and heavy laden."

Honestly, my heart is heavy, and I wish this nightmare is untrue. And I am trying to avoid toking about it cos pure tok is not going to solve the problem. I can only hope a miracle will come by in God's own way. I want to continue believing. The earth is the Lord's and everything in it. God is in full control of everything...and although I'm not sure why this situation occurred I want to believe that He is a miracle-generating God and this situation is in His hands.

This situation was also a path to self-discovery. It made me realized the reason why I avoid certain people and feel a tinge of discomfort when I see certain people, beneath a front that says everything is alright. You may not understand what I am blogging, but that is the whole intention. This paragraph is only for me to remind me of this part of me I've figured out recently. I just hope that the list will not get longer, and hopefully the list will shorten with time as time heals all painful memories.